Tuesday, March 9, 2010

taste the rainbow

When I allow myself to be, I become super nostalgic.

We could live through these letters, or forget it altogether.

I think I've done a pretty good job in leaving my past, my past. And coming to terms that sometimes we just fall out of friendships, fall out of love. But some days, it hits me, right in the heart and I'm hanging on to all the moments that were truly significant to me. I'm reliving the memories as if they were yesterday and I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable to ask the question of "what if". What if you were still my best friend? If we still wrote each other letters and still kept our black book alive. What if I never applied to this job, would I be better off or not? I can't blame the way things panned out because I met some of the coolest girls I know at this place - and I learned how to dress myself. What if I said no and YOU (the greatest part of me) weren't here? How would I fully understand that patience is a true virtue? What if you said no and never gave us a chance again? Where would my life be? I always told myself that if at the end it wasn't you, I would rather be alone - did I really mean that? What if I jumped right into what I was passionate about, what made me truly happy? Is money a measure of success? I don't want it to be.
Can we go back to the days of studying with skittles? When my ipod would blast the soundtrack of my life and I would feel an instant satisfaction in receiving hand written letters between periods. When Room 113 was my second home and public transit was all I even relied on. Can we go back to the summers along the beach, with you by our side? Can we? Let's slow dance in the basement and attend debuts on the weekends. We can drive around for hours, but always wind up at the bleachers. Let's make life, simple. At what point did we allow for it to be so complicated?
I'm at a point in my life, where my smile should be beaming, ear-to-ear. BIG things in the next two months, big grown up like things. But the stresses of my work life are eating up my sanity. As crazy as it sounds, I never thought that it would end this way. Almost six years of my life, six years. Is it really going to end this way? To think there was a time when I thought I could possibly be a lifer ... it seems so long ago.

Nothing feels better than hiding these days.
Time is my enemy. I need more hours in the day, but need to fast forward three months down the road.

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