ordinary people (bittersweet)

This (us) is hard stuff.

I guess deep down (& I've never actually admitted this out loud), but I seem to question whether this is for real, whether this is what you had wanted to for yourself or it was simply just a default. And although I never regret anything that has happened since that day, I can't seem to shake it off ... do you really want to be here? is this what you had always seen for yourself? Because for me, the answer has always been yes, always.

& as we're 'growing up', I feel like we've incurred so much of the 'responsibility' bit earlier on (with A) and some days it seems like you're ready to 'give up' & back down. Which is the one thing that I actually fear the most. Besides A, you are my life. It just feels, different. But I know that 'these are the hard times'. Starting our life together has been so tough. It hasn't always been picture perfect nor glamorous, but I wouldn't have it any other way - because I got exactly what I hoped for. (now did you?)

You are my best friend. The one person that I trust my life with, that I trust A with. You are the one who loves to make me laugh, the one I want to laugh with. I love the life that we've already created together ... this is our forever.

***

I love you more than all the stars in the sky.

tweet, tweet.

Dammit.

why

must

I

do

this

to

myself.

I caved. but under no pressure, whatsoever. Just me.
Tweet, tweet.

my latest obsession & other stuff that's kept me busy

1. 2P's. I joined a little while ago, but started to become a more active member recently. It's definitely one of my 'newest' addictions. Totally trying to stay away from Twitter. I'm attracted to addictions.

2. A is in full effect teething mode. He's got 2 little buggers on the bottom of his mouth & looks so cute! But it's truly affecting him. He's also caught a cold that I had last week, so he was a little snotty earlier this week. The cold has now passed on to Ryan ... despite all that, A's still able to crack smiles and laughs all day long -

3. Sleeping (well, bedtime rountines & whatnot) haven't been too much stress as of late. Maybe because I've stopped making them stressful. Trying my hardest just to be flexible & follow A's cues. Like tonight, he was so fussy by 530pm (he hadn't even had dinner yet!), but I did our bedtime routine half an hour earlier & he was in bed by 630pm. He woke up at 9 ish - when I then transfered him onto our bed. We're trying this whole 'co-sleeping' thing - it's actually working for us & contrary to popular belief, a breastfed baby can sleep beside his mama without always waking up to nurse. Thank goodness! I love, love cuddling with A at night, (oh! & Ryan too)

4. This week's lecture is on alcohol & the effects that it has on society (negatively). Most don't see alcohol as a psychoactive drug, but it's one of the leading sustances in terms of abuse - it's masked as a 'social' drug. I actually enjoy reading this textbook. Like I was telling Faye, I even read the little stories in the boxes, the side notes, the company / individual examples. Hahaha, I'm such a geek.

5. The gym, well it's still where it is, except it doesn't seem to have me in it. I don't know where my lack of motivation is coming from, but I SERIOUSLY need to get back into workout mode. I still have a goal of 15-20 pounds to loose, in order to be back to my pre-preggo days. Attending the GSM made me realize that I do in fact have to go back to work, & I work at a fashion company. I feel like I don't even know how to dress myself anymore! Help! I'm in need of a stylist - someone named Michelle.

6. I've been talking a lot about mortgages, house hunting & payment plans with Carissa. Between the two of us, we've got some knowledge under our belts. It scares me to death that we're thinking about making one of the biggest purchases of our lives. I'm terrified to be a homeowner! I feel like I don't know anything about anything, & I just don't want to make any mistakes (but we all know I will!), nor to I want to get myself (well, my family) into a crummy situation. But I definately cannot wait for the moment they say 'here', & hand us the keys to our first home :)

7. Ryan and I are finally contributing to our savings account on a weekly (yes! weekly!) basis. That makes me so happy. AND, our MasterCard will have a zero balance after next week. WOOHOO!

8. I love scrapbooking. I wish I could do it all day, everyday.

and the Oscar goes to ...

I've curled up, in my pyjamas & a cup of half hot chocolate, half coffee - & settled in with a date with Oscar. (I usually never watch award shows, but when you've indulged yourself with watching almost every movie - it makes you rather curious to see who'll win!)

I'm torn between so many of the nominees! From Benjamin Button (which I loved!) to Slumdog Millionare (which I loved too!) ... Ryan on the other hand finds the awards to be rather boring ... so he's on youtube finding clips of the nominated documentaries that we should have seen too.

... ok, be back tomorrow. Must focus, :)

goodnight, sleep tight

As a new mama, I tend to googgle everything.

I don't believe everything that I read, but I read a lot of information and opinions about parenting & just about babies in general.

Our biggest 'issue' with A right now is his sleeping habits. He's such a good napper, but by bedtime, he's such a wreck. As of today, this is what his schedule looks like:

7am: wake up, nurse

8am: breakfast, cereal, fruit, some cherrios

9am: naptime

11am: wake up, 6oz bottle feed

1145am: lunchtime, usually a protein & veggies

1230pm: naptime

2pm: wake up, nurse

3pm: snack, fresh fruit, cherrios, or baby mum mum

330pm: music playtime with mama

4pm: discover, play with toys, lots of crawling

5pm: 60z bottle feed

545pm: dinnertime, usually fruits & veggies

630pm: bathtime

7pm: nurse, fall asleep

A's been waking up around 930pm & 11pm. When he wakes at 11pm, I've been taking him out of his crib & placing him on our bed (co-sleeping). Since we've done that, we hasn't really woke up during the 'middle' of the night. Sometimes around 5am, but then he'll fall back asleep until about 645am & then he'll nurse at 7am. He also used to have a third nap from 330pm - 430pm, but that was eliminated last week .. he just refused to sleep. Which is fine because it was a short, late in the day nap anyway. But by 7pm, he's done for the day ...

Yesterday I picked up a book that I've 'run' into doing google searches. I'm feeling such high hopes while I'm reading the first few chapters, I'm crossing my fingers!!! :)

As frustrating as it can get at times, how can you be upset with someone who smiles at you like this ...

a reoccurring dream

It's never the same dream, but it always involves you.

& come to think of it, it always occurs right around your birthday - I believe this started the year after you passed away in 2004. Has it really been that long already?

I can't interpret what it exactly means, but in my dreams, you're alive and you're well. You're laughing, you're conversing, you're breathing. You're flirting ... you're you. It always seems so real, like we would pick up right where we left off. Like you were a friend that I hadn't seen in ages, hadn't spoken to in years, but it didn't matter - all was forgiven. And that's how it truly feels, like you're the friend who lives far far away, but in reality - the only way I get to see you, is in these dreams ... some days I hope for something more. I always wonder what it would be like if you were still around. As a teenager, I always believed that you were the person who instilled a bit confidence within me.

must be nice

I'm annoyed.

Now excuse me as I indulge myself in something that makes me happy.