I'm not ready for another goodbye

I seem to be masking all my sadness - through laughter. I'm fining myself being irritated easily, angry with my partner-in-crime because of the pain that hits my heart. I'm not ready to battle this emotional roller coaster. I'm not ready for yet another goodbye.

My head is telling me, that there's no reason to feel this way. That we'll wait until things are etched in stone, before we start feeling sorry. But my heart is trying to prepare, for the things that are to come - the inevitable.

I'm loosing hope, loosing faith.
I'm spending the free time that I have making, creating, bundling the memories that we've shared. Because one day, that's what I'll be clinching onto.

my life as i know it,

Quick, little update ... I feel like I'll be able to write more if I write in a list :)

1. Our computer crashed over a week ago. I'm still recovering over the fact that I don't think I'll be able to retrieve all those files. I try not to think about it too much because the anxiety overwhelms me. Father brought the cpu to a family friend, in hopes to recover what we hope hasn't been lost forever ... this incident will teach me to backup, backup, backup! :(

2. Aiden is ONE this Friday! Our baby is ONE! It's hard to swallow. & if this is an indication of how time will fly in the years to come, oh boy ... we'll have a teenager on our hands soon enough! hehehe. I'm semi-nervous for this birthday bash on Saturday. Hoping that things go off without a hitch & that we're all able to just enjoy ourselves. Reminder; take loads of photos ... this is how A will remember this moment.

3. Our baby is a walker! Ok, so he's not completely mobile on his own, but he's getting there & he's soo cute! His first steps are amazing & his determination is so strong :)

4. Law & Order on Sunday night is tres addictive .. super.

5. After A's birthday extravaganza, Ry & I are going to get serious about home-buying. Need to get a pre-approved mortgage, save more for our downpayment & hopefully find a realtor who'll be able to match up with our perfect home! I can't wait to be a home-owner :D

6. So I went back to work about 2 weeks ago ... it's been, ok. So many things change over one year's time & let's just say things are just not the same. My feelings are mixed & I'm swaying back & forth. This is supposed to be what I love ...

7. I'm so proud of Ry. His creativity inspires me & his passion is addictive. I'm so happy for him.

8. I'm 98% sure that my upper wisdom tooth is cracked or broken or ... not right. My teeth suck.

9. It's been 2 weeks since my gym passed has been scanned. What does it take to stay committed? Gaaaahhhhh!

10. It feels like forever since I've scrapped. I miss it.

11. Can't wait to be the proud owner of a Mac, where is our tax refund?! :(

12. I'm posting my daily rantings on Twitter ... I'm actually at an addictive state.

13. I'm a reality TV whore; The Real Housewives, Tori & Dean, ANTM, Make Me a Supermodel, So You Think You Can Dance ...

14. Lastly, I'm hoping Tatay is getting better ... xo.

'and after all these years ...
you're still a bitch.'

wonderful.

funny things about life

I just read what my last post was about & chuckled a little ... I don't think that I'll ever have consistency when it comes to blogging. But I've been obssessed with trying to document life. Trying to capture all the moments, so that I am able to have vivid memories & are able to reply them down the road.

Somedays it truly feels like life is flashing before my eyes. It's so hard to believe that it's almost been ONE YEAR since A was born. We almost have a toddler on our hands! Time flies, really flies. & now, Tuesday .. I'm back to work. Let's see who'll be experiencing the separation anxiety then :(

the joy of consistency!

It's been a busy, yet relaxing few days. I was successful in going to the gym 3 days straight last week. I gave myself the weekend off to recooperate , but I felt guilty / sad that I didn't go! That's a first, hehehe. I'm really trying to push myself this time around. Plus it also helps that I get to see more of my highschool sweethearts. It so true, instead of catching up over big bowls of pasta & high sugar girly cocktails, we can bond while on the treadmill breaking out in a serious sweat! Workouts always seem to go by faster when a friend is involved. I thought the tv was my friend, but I'm totally hating on the commericals. Another success today. A bunch of errands & whatnot to run w/ Ry & A tomorrow, so cutting the gym out of the schedule (ahh, there it is again - the guilt!). I can't believe I'm back to work on the 18th, *cries.

I participated in my very first National Scrapbook Day on Saturday - virtually w/ 2peas. I still can't believe that I managed to complete (yes, fully complete) 3 layouts in ONE day! :D I guess having challenges & a 'due date' really puts fire under my bum! It was fun, loved that scrapbooking was really my only focus of the day (minus caring for A of course, but it's a bonus having lola & lolo around!) Next year, (hoping to have our own place by then & my own space to create) I'm going to make Ry book the day off work (I guess not being on Mat leave anymore means I'll have to book the day off too!) & he and A can have a daddy/son playdate all day long! As part of our 'errands' for tomorrow, I'm hoping to get a little bit of goodies to play around with. My stash is getting big, so I don't need much .. but the new products sure bring out some inspiration!

Off to bed!