digging a little bit deeper

For the life of me, I could not remember
What made us think that we were wise, & we'd never compromise

I don't like myself today.

Definitely had a bit of a (actually a large) falling out. It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment, but I wanted a release - I wanted a way out, even if it was just for a moment. I wanted to let you in, I wanted to give up, I wanted more than I was getting, I wanted out. My wants were taking over my needs and I was loosing track of the things (the people) that matter to me most. I was not the person that I aspire to be - I was simply tired. & the thought-provoking realization was that - I really felt like I wasn't getting the credit (and I really, really, needed that boost of confidence). I wanted to be alone, but I wanted you with me. Can I just lay here with you, & forget the world?

(you) keep me sane

baby bottles

We're up to 6 oz at the 11am feeding now.
Great, great progress.

Today, I'm going to try a 5pm feeding with formula.
Still feeling guilty about the whole not-exclusively breastfeeding ordeal, so I'm smuthering A with tons of lovin'. Tons.

Nothing too new around here.
(still haven't completed by 'Daily December' album) - but working on some other creative projects.

Keep ya posted.
Excited that OTH is on tonight, :)

13 things about me;

1. It's been almost 8 months since I gave birth & I'm still carrying around the pregnancy weight. I joined the gym last October and I haven't gone once this month. I feel a lack of motivation, but want quick results - this is not how I usually feel about my goals.

2. I believe that Dashboard is the soundtrack to my life. I love love love getting lost in their songs & I feel like all the most significant moments in my life can be defined by a song.

3. My favourite moment, aside from watching Aiden sleep, has to be driving in the car with Ryan - riding shotgun - just me & him, blasting tunes off my iPod. I feel like I can be 23 for real and just enjoy the ride.

4. At 23, I always thought I would have finished my post-secondary degree. I secretly vent about it to myself. (9 more course to go)

5. I'm taking an upper liberal titled, "Drugs and Human Behaviour". It has the best textbook that I have read in my whole university career.

6. I feel like my childhood is a blur. & I sometimes regret not keeping in touch with the friends I once had. But then again, it's no one-way street. I wonder if they think about me.

7. Going to Ikea yesterday to pick up storage bins, made me really jones to buy our home already. I wonder what it will be like, how we will function and how our lives with pan out. I've been waiting to start this forever for quite some time now :)

8. It makes me upset when I text Ryan & he doesn't text me back. How silly is that?

9. This whole motherhood thing, I wonder if I'm doing a good job.

10. I finished all 5 box-set DVDs of One Tree Hill & now I miss the marathon sessions.

11. I've been feeling lonely lately.

12. Aiden has been waking up a few times in the middle of the night. Ryan and I are the worst to each other during this time. Last night, at 3 am, while soothing A - I tried just to be calm & take it all in ... we have a baby, together. This is wonderful.

13. This makes me happy.

guilty

I never really had a goal in which I wanted to breastfeed until (honestly, I didn't even know I wanted to breastfeed at all). It was definitely the one thing that I completely overlooked when researching and learning throughout my pregnancy. Even though it was touch (so tough) at first, especially during the first few weeks (sore nipples, bleeding, improper latches), it has been the best feeling being able to nurse the best nutrients into A. I am so glad that I had the strength to stick through it & so happy that Ryan has supported me throughout the entire process. But now that I have (exclusively for 7 months), I'm feeling guilty that I'm having thoughts of weaning. I've been really thinking about giving Aiden (well, teaching him) to feed from a bottle. We tried a few times before, but were never really that keen on it or persistant enough, so of course, success was minimal. Aiden and I have established my milk supply (actually I have a great abundance, why let a good thing go to waste?). I'm not even quite sure of my reasons for intiating this self-led weaning process - I'm feeling selfish (mainly because I know that breastmilk is the best thing for my baby). I also feel like I'm going to miss that true sense of connection with A (I'll never forget the first time they placed him on my chest when he was born ... instant gratification). The bond that you are able to create through nursing is so satisfying and indescribable. I am torn.

the first of many

woman
loves
man

it may not be news,

but ours is the best story ever.

It was kind of crappy that Ryan wasn't able to have our actual anniversary date off, but we did however make a BIG compromise - he had the previous week off. What a treat for Aiden and I. We celebrated on Sunday by getting all dressed up and chowing down on some good food (our most favourite thing to do). This year Ryan made took me to Niagara Street Cafe (we've been there once before with Aiden in the summertime, but for brunch, I keep telling people that I would have licked my plate if no one was around!) Ryan has been working brunch for the past few Sundays helping out his old coworker Trista's husband, Nick. Five courses later, with the first one being my favourite (a little brunch plate that Nick whipped up), Ryan & I were pleasantly surprised to find out that our billed was being taken care of. What in the world! I have never experienced such gratitude! Such kindness. What would have been a $200+ bill, became nothing but a great night with my most favourite. To many many more ...
happy 1st anniversary ryan oliver.

well, really, 7 years in the making :)

there's gotta be more to life out there.

now, how do I find it?

what's missing?

Can you ever really feel so young, but too old at the same time?

Because I feel like that's the story of my life. When I was younger, I always assumed so much more responsibility & everyone around me always told me that I was so much more mature than the other my age. I never really thought about it too much, but nowadays, I feel like I grew up too fast. But I like to think that I lived that part of my life (the teenage, pre-twenty years) without any regrets. I made decisions for me, but of course, with careful consideration of those who were the closest to me. I lived for the moments.

But for some reason, I'm feeling empty. Not in the sense that something's missing, but more for the satisfaction of not being able to attain it all. Do you think this will ever go away?

hello 2009

I don't think That I've ever made a resolution. Okay, maybe I haven't made one that I've actually stuck with. But this year, I have a few things that I want to keep in mind. Simple things.

Blog. Document. Write.
I used to be able to just write. Day in and day out. About anything - thoughts, feelings, aspirations. I lost that somewhere, but I'm going to try my best to get it all back. Because I want to leave my mark in this world - & I love love looking back and seeing where I've been and what has brought me here. I live for words.

Be happy.
I have more than I need. In addition, I have a baby boy that looks at me with delight. Life gets messy, but what matters is the way that we choose to deal with this situations.

Watch my carbon impact.
Little things, baby steps. Use the compost more (review what's allowed to go in & what's not), stop using shopping bags & start using reuseable ones. RECYCLE and DONATE (especially old clothing). On a side note: I don't ever want to be a pack rat.

Live in the moment.
Life is too short.

Love me.
Especially since giving birth to A, I haven't been feeling 'myself'. & yes, most of it has to do with my physical appearance. I am my worst critic. But there's so much that I have going for me and I have two wonderful boys that love me, for me. So let's start getting back on track :)

Take it easy.
As a bit of a control freak, I have to start learning to let others take charge or even, just help. I need to fully trust others to get the job done, even if it's not the way I would really like for it to be done. I need to watch my tone (especially with Ryan) and watch my words.

Discover new things.
I always want to feel young at heart.