sunshine, been keeping me up for days

Lately, been wishing that there be more that 24-hours in one day.

Final weeks of my undergrad career and it's killing me. So many assignments, tests and presentations ... all to accumulate into a piece of paper that will say, Bachelor of Commerce (finally).

Decisions have been made and I don't even know how I feel about it. I know that it's the most financially, rational decision and maybe I just have to stick it out a few more months to find something that makes me happy. Or maybe this change of pace, change of scenery is what will lead me to my happiness. I guess I just trying to give this "opportunity" the benefit of the doubt.

Right now, Aiden is snoring beside me, taking his afternoon nap. But when he's not sleeping, he looks like this:

He's been so playful lately and loves being "outside". His vocab is growing and his communication is getting better and better. He's such a joy.

Big things happening in the next few months, so excited.

5 years.

I can hold you for a million years,

to make you feel my love

(original post: livejournal on April 6th, 2005)

I knew I should've just let him win in poker.
I knew it.

But at least my last memory of him was .. happy.
& at least he passed away in his bed beside the person he loves the most.
At least he didn't suffer.
At least.

I guess the most bittersweet about life after death is that, there is in fact, life after death.

We miss you, Tatay. Watch over us please, xo.

when is it going to be enough

I'm not princess, this ain't a fairytale

I sound like a broken record. How many times do I have to decline for it to actually mean that I declined? I am standing my ground and making it known that I am not one that can be pushed around. I've given my all this entire time, please just let me have some time for myself.

***

How do we know when it's our time?

Patrick Lacsina // life is just one big game. if you are loved in the end, you win. you win tito, you win... (rest well ♥ )

My heart aches for you and your family. & when you're ready, we're all here for you. Whenever you're ready.

& just like that, another life is lost to cancer.

Feeling rather bittersweet tonight. Feelings you are surfacing. I don't want to feel that ache anymore.

taste the rainbow

When I allow myself to be, I become super nostalgic.

We could live through these letters, or forget it altogether.

I think I've done a pretty good job in leaving my past, my past. And coming to terms that sometimes we just fall out of friendships, fall out of love. But some days, it hits me, right in the heart and I'm hanging on to all the moments that were truly significant to me. I'm reliving the memories as if they were yesterday and I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable to ask the question of "what if". What if you were still my best friend? If we still wrote each other letters and still kept our black book alive. What if I never applied to this job, would I be better off or not? I can't blame the way things panned out because I met some of the coolest girls I know at this place - and I learned how to dress myself. What if I said no and YOU (the greatest part of me) weren't here? How would I fully understand that patience is a true virtue? What if you said no and never gave us a chance again? Where would my life be? I always told myself that if at the end it wasn't you, I would rather be alone - did I really mean that? What if I jumped right into what I was passionate about, what made me truly happy? Is money a measure of success? I don't want it to be.

Can we go back to the days of studying with skittles? When my ipod would blast the soundtrack of my life and I would feel an instant satisfaction in receiving hand written letters between periods. When Room 113 was my second home and public transit was all I even relied on. Can we go back to the summers along the beach, with you by our side? Can we? Let's slow dance in the basement and attend debuts on the weekends. We can drive around for hours, but always wind up at the bleachers. Let's make life, simple. At what point did we allow for it to be so complicated?

I'm at a point in my life, where my smile should be beaming, ear-to-ear. BIG things in the next two months, big grown up like things. But the stresses of my work life are eating up my sanity. As crazy as it sounds, I never thought that it would end this way. Almost six years of my life, six years. Is it really going to end this way? To think there was a time when I thought I could possibly be a lifer ... it seems so long ago.

Nothing feels better than hiding these days.

Time is my enemy. I need more hours in the day, but need to fast forward three months down the road.

trs, the business building

Long days at school are kind of depressing. But it does allow for me to actually get some work done minus screaming and playful Aiden in the background. So some days, I stick it out, 8-10 hours of being on campus in attempts of finishing assignments and readings. Tonight, I prepped for a collective bargaining simulation for my labour relations class tomorrow morning. Thought that the process would be much shorter, but in fact spent close to three hours outlining our demands, expectations and strategies. I thought I would we all gung ho and start my other 40 pager, but definitely lost interest in school work ... mainly because of an incident that occurred prior to class today ...

Keeping the details private (who know's who stalks this blog of mine, lol). Certain things definitely made me feel ill (sick, to the pit of my stomach). Why invest so much time & money into developing? I don't seem to understand your reasoning? If there's a career that is viable and attainable, where is your thought process? WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GO? (as if I was going to be homeless or something ...)

& that's supposed to persuade me to stay?

(if our house didn't close in two months, my papers would have been in & signed, t r u s t m e)

As I'm waiting for Ryan to pick me up from school, replaying the events of the day - over & over & over again, I turn around only to see this on the wall.

Amazing, my heart melted.

(the universe loves me)

my little family!

I'm amazing living here with mama & dad, because dinner is always made, laundry is always done and photos are always being taken! (mainly by ma!) I just got the chance to download some photos from ma's camera and found this:

*Christmas family photo, 2009

This photo is awesome. Makes me truly laugh and mainly because, our facial expressions are SO different - and I guess because it looks so unconventional. Can't believe that we've already celebrated two Christmases as a family of three. & in 3 short months, our baby Aiden will be a TWO year old. Life moves so fast. I know that I say it often, but having you two, has been the best thing that has ever happened to me ... you are both the best part of me. Looking back at all that we've already been through, I am so thrilled to see what life has in store for us next. This is OUR time. I am so lucky to be in love and be loved by 2 guys ♥.

playtime, in the snow!

Rushed to get some photos of Aiden playing in the snow for the first time. Lucky me, I had to work this Sunday morning and I wasn't able to stay and play with the rest of the gang. Captured a few non-action shot of A, I'm sure Lola was able to get more fun ones. But instantly fell in love with this one, what a guy!

This smile is totally mine, Aiden stole it from me. Whatevs, it does .. seem to ... suit him, better :) With help from Daddy, a little snowman was made in the backyard. Aiden runs to the window every morning for a peak at the snowman ... which is, starting to tilt and with the positive weather, will probably diminish in the next few days. We'll be dealing with a very :( A when the time comes.