hello summer

may two-four weekend; Ryan & A - lowville park

(no subject)

maybe I'll blog more often,

when my job becomes to be a professional blogger.

s t r e s s e d

I wouldn't call this studying per se, especially because here Aiden is, right beside me - wide eyed and no where near sleeping.
My attention span is little to none because the topic of discussion is rather dry, but mainly because THIS IS IT - my final undergrad exam! All I can think about is what will happen in the days to come & I can't focus on what's to happen tomorrow.

Maybe I should check how much this exam is worth?
Ryan, are you home yet?

....

the final straw

Every night, I work until the battery of my mac dies.

Working the night away, trying to recruit "friends" to take vids of themselves for a mini presentation for our Issues & Innovations class. Looking good so far, I'll post the final of the vid.

LAST WEEK OF CLASSES.

ONE MONTH UNTIL OUR CLOSING DATE.

BIG things, people. BIG up things.

Life is ... grand.

sunshine, been keeping me up for days

Lately, been wishing that there be more that 24-hours in one day.

Final weeks of my undergrad career and it's killing me. So many assignments, tests and presentations ... all to accumulate into a piece of paper that will say, Bachelor of Commerce (finally).

Decisions have been made and I don't even know how I feel about it. I know that it's the most financially, rational decision and maybe I just have to stick it out a few more months to find something that makes me happy. Or maybe this change of pace, change of scenery is what will lead me to my happiness. I guess I just trying to give this "opportunity" the benefit of the doubt.

Right now, Aiden is snoring beside me, taking his afternoon nap. But when he's not sleeping, he looks like this:

He's been so playful lately and loves being "outside". His vocab is growing and his communication is getting better and better. He's such a joy.

Big things happening in the next few months, so excited.

5 years.

I can hold you for a million years,

to make you feel my love

(original post: livejournal on April 6th, 2005)

I knew I should've just let him win in poker.
I knew it.

But at least my last memory of him was .. happy.
& at least he passed away in his bed beside the person he loves the most.
At least he didn't suffer.
At least.

I guess the most bittersweet about life after death is that, there is in fact, life after death.

We miss you, Tatay. Watch over us please, xo.

when is it going to be enough

I'm not princess, this ain't a fairytale

I sound like a broken record. How many times do I have to decline for it to actually mean that I declined? I am standing my ground and making it known that I am not one that can be pushed around. I've given my all this entire time, please just let me have some time for myself.

***

How do we know when it's our time?

Patrick Lacsina // life is just one big game. if you are loved in the end, you win. you win tito, you win... (rest well ♥ )

My heart aches for you and your family. & when you're ready, we're all here for you. Whenever you're ready.

& just like that, another life is lost to cancer.

Feeling rather bittersweet tonight. Feelings you are surfacing. I don't want to feel that ache anymore.

taste the rainbow

When I allow myself to be, I become super nostalgic.

We could live through these letters, or forget it altogether.

I think I've done a pretty good job in leaving my past, my past. And coming to terms that sometimes we just fall out of friendships, fall out of love. But some days, it hits me, right in the heart and I'm hanging on to all the moments that were truly significant to me. I'm reliving the memories as if they were yesterday and I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable to ask the question of "what if". What if you were still my best friend? If we still wrote each other letters and still kept our black book alive. What if I never applied to this job, would I be better off or not? I can't blame the way things panned out because I met some of the coolest girls I know at this place - and I learned how to dress myself. What if I said no and YOU (the greatest part of me) weren't here? How would I fully understand that patience is a true virtue? What if you said no and never gave us a chance again? Where would my life be? I always told myself that if at the end it wasn't you, I would rather be alone - did I really mean that? What if I jumped right into what I was passionate about, what made me truly happy? Is money a measure of success? I don't want it to be.

Can we go back to the days of studying with skittles? When my ipod would blast the soundtrack of my life and I would feel an instant satisfaction in receiving hand written letters between periods. When Room 113 was my second home and public transit was all I even relied on. Can we go back to the summers along the beach, with you by our side? Can we? Let's slow dance in the basement and attend debuts on the weekends. We can drive around for hours, but always wind up at the bleachers. Let's make life, simple. At what point did we allow for it to be so complicated?

I'm at a point in my life, where my smile should be beaming, ear-to-ear. BIG things in the next two months, big grown up like things. But the stresses of my work life are eating up my sanity. As crazy as it sounds, I never thought that it would end this way. Almost six years of my life, six years. Is it really going to end this way? To think there was a time when I thought I could possibly be a lifer ... it seems so long ago.

Nothing feels better than hiding these days.

Time is my enemy. I need more hours in the day, but need to fast forward three months down the road.

trs, the business building

Long days at school are kind of depressing. But it does allow for me to actually get some work done minus screaming and playful Aiden in the background. So some days, I stick it out, 8-10 hours of being on campus in attempts of finishing assignments and readings. Tonight, I prepped for a collective bargaining simulation for my labour relations class tomorrow morning. Thought that the process would be much shorter, but in fact spent close to three hours outlining our demands, expectations and strategies. I thought I would we all gung ho and start my other 40 pager, but definitely lost interest in school work ... mainly because of an incident that occurred prior to class today ...

Keeping the details private (who know's who stalks this blog of mine, lol). Certain things definitely made me feel ill (sick, to the pit of my stomach). Why invest so much time & money into developing? I don't seem to understand your reasoning? If there's a career that is viable and attainable, where is your thought process? WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GO? (as if I was going to be homeless or something ...)

& that's supposed to persuade me to stay?

(if our house didn't close in two months, my papers would have been in & signed, t r u s t m e)

As I'm waiting for Ryan to pick me up from school, replaying the events of the day - over & over & over again, I turn around only to see this on the wall.

Amazing, my heart melted.

(the universe loves me)

my little family!

I'm amazing living here with mama & dad, because dinner is always made, laundry is always done and photos are always being taken! (mainly by ma!) I just got the chance to download some photos from ma's camera and found this:

*Christmas family photo, 2009

This photo is awesome. Makes me truly laugh and mainly because, our facial expressions are SO different - and I guess because it looks so unconventional. Can't believe that we've already celebrated two Christmases as a family of three. & in 3 short months, our baby Aiden will be a TWO year old. Life moves so fast. I know that I say it often, but having you two, has been the best thing that has ever happened to me ... you are both the best part of me. Looking back at all that we've already been through, I am so thrilled to see what life has in store for us next. This is OUR time. I am so lucky to be in love and be loved by 2 guys ♥.

playtime, in the snow!

Rushed to get some photos of Aiden playing in the snow for the first time. Lucky me, I had to work this Sunday morning and I wasn't able to stay and play with the rest of the gang. Captured a few non-action shot of A, I'm sure Lola was able to get more fun ones. But instantly fell in love with this one, what a guy!

This smile is totally mine, Aiden stole it from me. Whatevs, it does .. seem to ... suit him, better :) With help from Daddy, a little snowman was made in the backyard. Aiden runs to the window every morning for a peak at the snowman ... which is, starting to tilt and with the positive weather, will probably diminish in the next few days. We'll be dealing with a very :( A when the time comes.

team canada for A!

via Twitter - @charissdeleon

1. just as I suspected, too small for my chunky guyhttp://tweetphoto.com/12504741about 20 hours ago via SocialScope
2. bought Aiden a team Canada sweater, hoping his solid body fits into it.about 21 hours ago via SocialScope

But does he not look SO ADORABLE in it? "Mama, mama, CHEESE!" Hoping to be able to exchange it for a size bigger. People are going wild for these things. I mean, why not, we are winning.

virtue & moir, my new heroes

In complete LOVE with the way these two do their thing.

dear john ...

Christie, a friend of mine, lent me this novel (finally :P) and I've been spending most of my day trying to read as much as I can of this novel in each sitting. I didn't realize just how much harder it was to read with Aiden around. He's at a stage where he must show me everything - how it works, how he wants it to work, what he wants to do with it. He loves hanging out with Ryan and I and I love seeing how he's learning so much daily. It's truly amazing how he's able to communicate with us and us with him without any words at all. He's growing up too fast.

Back to the novel, I've yet to get to the mushy bit but this novel truly excites me. I can catch myself smiling at the words as I'm reading them and living vividly through the characters - is that crazy? I'm such a girl. Hoping to have this done before Reading Week ends (if A lets me), because after this free week, the assignments and projects will be piling in. SEVEN MORE WEEKS OF MY UNDERGRADUATE LIFE.

mama, what's this?

Aiden is so cute. We haven’t experience that much snow this Winter – I even returned the snow pants that we bought him! But every time it snows, it’s like he rediscovers the fluffy stuff. He stares at it, stares at it some more … with utter satisfaction. Don’t worry baby boy, next year … I’ll hope for more snow for you (or we’ll take you to Blue Mountain or something … who really wants more snow?)

love, love, love

Even though it's truly a Hallmark holiday, it's nice to be submerged in pretty things that are red and pink & lots of favourite chocolates :)

But ... I'm all for reminding people just how much they mean to you.

& I love giving out little treats.

So happy Valentine's loves.

♥

welcome world, to our home :)

*Getty Images

Definitely a better night to choose to stay in :)

Some say what defines us

is something as simple as please & thank you

& as for you're welcome

we say that too.

What an amazing, very true and well-spoken poem by Shane Koyczan.

Not going to lie, the Opening Ceremonies definitely had me teary-eyes.

Very proud to be Canadian.

Now let's stay gold, GO CANADA.

(on a sadder note, my heart breaks for the family, friends & team of Nodar Kumaritashvili - a dream broken too soon)

whatcha cooking?

Ryan had a dentist appointment a few days ago where Aiden and I decided to tag along. Right now, Ryan and I still have different dentists. Mine is about 10 minutes from home while Ryan's is all the way by Bayview and the 401, my goodness. Aiden and I decided to stroll around Bayview Village while we waited for Ryan to get his teeth cleaned. Ryan left the bugaboo at his parents place so instead, I had to stroll around with Aiden in his car buggy. Not at all fun for me, but all the kids in the village were super envious of our Aiden baby. We spent most of the time at Chapters since I thought it would be much easier to let Aiden play around with the toys in the Children's section - he LOVED the kitchen play set, LOVED.

What's for Dinner Kitchen / Land of Nod

Came across this adorable kitchen set from Land of Nod. So freaking cute! Looking to buy something along these lines for Aiden in the new house. He's at the stage where he's really into playing with toys (mainly balls, his train set, loves to read books, and piano) ... so excited to start designing soon! & making our house, our home :)

change is, good.

Not too sure if it's going to work out, but Ryan made the first steps (baby steps), to his next career move. Can only be excited for him because this could be so good. We'll see what happens next. I feel like he can really be the guy. Will def document the process.

He's actually menu writing right now, while I'm in bed attempting to study for a labour law midterm on Friday. He's so silent that I keep asking him if he's ok & he's told me to quit bugging him every single time, bah! Made the notes for my midterm, but haven't studied a word. I wonder how 4th year will shape up to be ... halfway to finally achieving my undergrad degree. (Didn't mean for that to rhyme, promise).

no words,

What I thought would be closure,

is springing up more & more questions.

I hate the way you look at me,

as if I was broken.

...

I'm feeling broken.

Remember Charisse,

curiosity killed the cat.

(leave this alone)

(leave this alone)

(leave this alone)

online crops force me to scrap

2peas held an online crop night tonight and I swear, under pressure and with challenges, I am able to scrap within a few hours. It's awesome. I spent the night chatting to fellow peas and scrapping with Chelsea. She's so funny when it comes to being crafty and since she's gotten her netbook, it's like she's totally disregarding talking face-to-face. We were sitting next to each other, scrapping the night way, yet she insists on having a conversation via msn as well! I think it's because she loves to use all the emoticons

:)

The 8pm challenge was to scrap something, anything that you love, but it must include some journaling. Luckily, I've already been meaning to scrap this photo of Ryan and I & I already had a sketch in mind, totally ahead of the game this time around ... (the ladies on the forum scrap super fast!, it's so hard to keep up with them!), but I managed to finish, woohoo!

Ok, must sleep now, work at 9am, whomp.

what a wonderful surprise!

I know this should be posted in our house process blog, BUT I'm just so freaking excited!

I've been meaning to take the drive down to Milton to check out the progress of our home. I haven't seen the site location since Ryan and I went down after Mattamy U (which was on Jan 22nd), and it was much too dark to see anything yet alone take any photos. But, at 5pm today, out of complete spontaneity ... I drove down with Chels and A, racing the sun, hoping that it wouldn't set before we got there. And my my my, what a wonderful surprise!

*As of February 4th

(Almost 3 months until closing!)

I mean, it's not the best photo in the world, but I was just so excited to see so much progress was done! Tarion has 1 more day to let us know if there are any delays with the house, crossing my fingers that we don't have any! I can't believe what I'm seeing, getting so excited. I need to somehow convince Ryan that we have to drive down every day to see the progress on the house. I have TWO photos in my "house process" album, lol, TWO. So from now on, I must see all the little details go on. Even though this photo is worth a thousand words, the feelings still haven't sunk in. It still feels surreal, but oh-emm-gee, we're almost homeowners.

beautiful kitchens

*Refer to post on house process blog - here :)

will we make it? will we?

Let's fast forward to 8 months time & let's see how we're making out.

Is it possible to be completely happy yet have so much worry about what's going on around you? It sums up all the feelings that I'm going through right now (not to mention that it's also the time of the month, which could possibly explain the reason why I'm beyond emotional).

C: Babe, are we going to make it? in life? will we be ok?

R: Hell ya.

Simple, yes & my insecurities fly out the window. When the person that I love the most (aside from Aiden, obvs, hehe) tells me that it's going to be ok, what else can I ask for? He tells me in two words that we'll make something out of our lives and that we'll do it, together ... hand in hand. Truly, I am blessed.

Now let's fast forward.

On a craftier note, I scrapped last night. Started and finished all in one day, love when things just click for me. Loved how this one turned out, but still need to find a way to photograph my layouts better. Natural light would be best, but given the season, it's too damn cold t be photographing outside. Here, take a peak:

my application is in!

I meant to send it last Sunday, but after spending the entire night writing, editing, refreshing and editing my CV ... the online application asks to "describe yourself"! GRRR. Didn't I just do that in my 3 hour long process of writing my CV and updating my resume? So I got discouraged and stopped the application process. I let a week go by until I knew that if I didn't force myself to do so, there may be a chance that I miss the deadline. So tonight, it did it, I wrote one more paragraph about myself and a customer service experience and I clicked submit. I clicked it.

Now,

I wait.

Thank you for your interest in the grad@Loblaw Program!

We have received your application. If selected for an interview, you will be contacted by e-mail.

I dislike playing the waiting game.

Now, I wait.

& I cross my fingers.

the scenic route to dufferin county

I have yet to find the "perfect" bricks and mortar retailer for scrapbooking goodies. So I tend to get my stash, a little bit from here and a little bit from there. Today, Mom, Chelsea and I ventured towards a road not taken. Where roads wind up and down for KMs with no sight of what's ahead. We were headed to a Scrapbook Warehouse Sale by Open Page Wholesalers. I think twice a year they open their warehouse to the public and the MRSP is around 40-70% off and because of this, we decided to take the drive. (The last time they opened their warehouse - which used to be in Mississauga - I went with Janelle, not a much stuff, but still a wicked deal). Today, I ended up with these lovely goodies, because of the Thickers, the drive was well worth it!

I think I've got my fix for a while :)

I'm inspired, I'm happy.

Also, this little bugger is also keeping me beaming from ear to ear.

Even though some days are hard and more difficult than others, at the end of the day, motherhood is tres fulfilling. I'm learning so much every step of the way. I know I say it often, but my heart still flutters when you're sleeping at night and I take a glimpse of you, my son. I know that Ryan also feels the same way. When he catches you in a cute pose while you're sleeping, he can't help but tap my shoulder to make me look at you. Aiden, you are our joy.

compromising with earphones!

There's nothing better than being able to snuggle up with my two favourite boys after a hard day's work (hehe!). But tonight, I'm snuggling with A snoring and Ry watching his 1464216th episode of Heroes, did I mention that he started the series today? I watched one episode and he's managed to get to the end of the box set. And because I don't want to watch at the point where he is, I'm sitting here, in the dark, well the screen light of the TV and our mac with earphones jamming to a little t.swift (who's obvi my most recent girl crush). The things that keep a marriage happy :)

I've been pretty good with my blog posts, ok, well, 8 posts in 28 days .. not too too shabby, hey I do blog about our house process too! But better start than most. However, been slacking incredibly on my photo taking! Making it a point to capture some shots this weekend and the upcoming week ... thinking about investing in a digital SLR, but it's a huge splurge. Maybe something that we can't justify for leisure's sake at the moment. Still need to save approx. 10K for our closing costs, but our saving is on track! *relief!

Day off tomorrow, splendid.

it was a cold one in Toronto!

Today was chilly.

We've been rather lucky that we haven't had such a bad winter, actually it's been spring like conditions for the past couple of days, but goodness, today was a cold one. Particularly a bummer for Aiden as he just recovered from a high fever and a bit of a cold only to have to leave the comfort of our cozy home to venture off to Burlington for the day because mama has lecture and daddy's gotta work. He looked so cute all bundled up, scarf, toque and tiny red mittens.

My day consisted of lunch with Ryan at South St. Burger Co., which I don't think I can handle again because of the size of the damn burger. Ryan always craves pizza, burgers and subway. I rarely eat pizza, can chow down on the occasional burger and get sick of subway fast. After lunch, I drove down to the city for my lecture (when you're driving, it's hard to feel the wind chill, so I never realize how cold it is unless I'm walking from Union Station to campus and vice versa).

In class today, we had about 30 students from Amsterdam sit in on our lecture. They were in Toronto for the week to experience the retail atmosphere of the downtown core. They shared with us about their visits to various retailers naming Nike, Walmart and Loblaw as stand outs, tourist retailing in Niagara Falls, the incredible vision that is the Toronto Eaton Centre and told us how ecstatic they were to watch a Marlie's game and see the Raptor's defeat the Miami Heat! Something I thought was so cute: "we just don't quite understand the concept of, uhhh, a what is it, called, there's so many food choices, a food court - we don't have food courts, we've never seen so many people eating in the same place at the same time". Hehehe. What I thought was particularly interesting was the fact that they were 3 year students all working fulltime in management roles while doing their Bachelor's degree. Such a different mindset and concept then here in North America. Takes much determination, time management skills and focus to be in such a competitive atmosphere. Definitely a pleasure to have them attend. Such an outing bunch of individuals who provided us with some insights on retailing in the Netherlands.

save the date!

As the wicked MOH that I am (hehe), I've been nagging Carissa to finally start, create and mail out her Save the Date cards. So excited that she liked the one and only template that I created. And we were able to start and finish 100+ cards all in one shot!

I could do this all the days of my life & be happy ...

& 5 hours later, the final product! :D

sugar & spice

... baby girls are so nice!

(except my baby A is pretty darn fantastic!)

We weren't able to attend baby Lealana's shower because Aiden isn't feeling too hot. Crappy fever and horrible cough and of course, a runny nose. But we send along a wicked gift filled with all the things that you don't think you need but really need when a baby is born: loads of receiving blankets, mini towels (for spit, drool and all that fun stuff), cute little , nursing pads and DIAPERS! Esp. digging the wrapping and the card ... truly thinking I can spend my entire life creating and be .. happy.

four really means one

I can't seem to decide my entire life all in on sitting. Sometimes I wish I was just destined to do something, that I had some sort of concrete plan towards my happiness ... or maybe, sometimes I even wish, someone chose something for me. Ok, scratch that last thought, I lied.

How do I say no to something / someone that always was supposed to be my meant to be. This is supposed to be my "next step" ... how do I regretfully decline?

Excuse me while I write a cover letter,

Oh I loathe career making decisions.

every little bit helps ...

So let's dig deep

& give generously.

last one!

Today, starts the first day of my last semester of university.

(finally)

Excited to be finished, excited for what will come next.

Applications are being accepted as of January 18th, you better believe mine will be in there.

Picking some brains of school friends who graduated last year, mixed feelings everywhere.

After school, I have a date with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser and our bathroom, woot.

and then, I want to do this.

I always thought this phase was over

As much as I try to hold all my feelings of insecurities inside, I can't help but feel this way, some days. Even though I have much going for me & much to be thankful, wrong words, hurtful words .. still have an effect on me, especially when it comes from the people that I care about the most.

I never want to be in a position where we hate each other so much that we can't stand being with each other anymore.

That's my greatest fear.

here's to 2010!

Finally got to countdown with Ryan! First time ever in 8 years, he made it home from work to greet A & I a very happy 2010.

Already feel like this year's going to be a BIG one :)

Happy 2010!