our appliances!

*Refer to my post on our house process blog - here :)

december daily: day fifteen

Minus my Mat Leave last year, I have spent the past 5 years at Aritzia for the holidays. It's a time when we are the busiest, when I see my coworkers more than my own family and when customers are either jolly and blissful or irate and unmanageable. It doesn't even matter how many wonderful customers to encounter, it takes just one person to totally ruin your day. As much as I don't want to admit it, I'm not the kind of person that I want to be during the holidays at work because of being tired, overworked and anxious. It's no excuse, but it happens. Being pushed to work 10 hour days, almost 6 days a week ... it takes a toll on anyone!

On a bigger and brighter note, our holiday season windows definitely put a smile on my face, especially with catch phrases such as: "promise the moon" & "wish upon a star". I miss feeling like a kid for Christmas.

I was on the Ariztia website today & downloaded the "Happy Holidays" cd by YBB. Some of the tunes that keep me sane during my working days :)

finally, a day off from the maddness!

I have no idea how I'm going to be able to work full-time post graduation. Working FT for the past 4 weeks has been exhausting, mentally, emotionally and most of all physically. I'm making a New Years resolution, but keeping it to myself - you never know who's stalking your blog, :P

On the up side, finally got to check my Fall 2009 grades. GPA of 3.7, ain't to shabby :)

Three more classes & I'm finally done, finally. Highly anticipating, super exited, can't wait for what's next. 2010 will be BIG, I can feel it.

december daily: day eighteen

Some Christmas Favourites ...

Favourite Christmas songs:

Da: Jingle Bells

Mama: Grown-up Christmas List

A: Little Drummer Boy

Favourite Christmas treats:

Da: turkey

Mama: peppermint candy canes

A: anything mama & da will let him have!

Favourite Christmas tradition (even though we're still in the process of creating them!):

Da: getting together with fam for a feast!

Mama: making homemade gift tags

A: decorating the Christmas tree with Tita Chels

december daily: day seventeen

Every night that I tuck Aiden to bed (he doesn't fall asleep without someone in the bed with him yet) ... I always tell myself that I'm not going to fall asleep with him. But it's like he puts a spell on me and the next time I look at the clock it's 11pm. There goes my night of productivity.

I blame it on work. Society doesn't give the retail world enough credit, but it's definitely a demanding and tiring atmosphere - especially during the holidays. Totally loving helping out customers that are sincerely nice and genuine and loathing on customers who give too much attitude, bahumbug. Just lucky enough that I work with some pretty wicked ladies (and some gentlemen) that make the 10 hour days go by a little faster.

9 more days until the true mayhem.

december daily: day sixteen

Today started with a mini jam session with Ryan and Aiden. Aiden loves loves dancing along with our ipod blaring some of his fav tunes. He most loves the 'pa rum pum pum pum' part of Little Drummer Boy. Listening to classic tunes while A babes was in the womb totally shows in his personality!

Did a little Christmas shopping at Heartland today. Aiden felt the snow falling on his face & he giggled quite a bit. Post shopping, took Aiden to Chuck E Cheese. So much better when you go during a week day - more room, less kids & less of a headache. Aiden was in awe, as we thought he would be. Made a new friend, named Bob. Oh, & lollipops and pop rocks ... Aiden was spoiled, but what else is new?

december daily: day thirteen

Thankful for days when Ryan and I are off from work, even more thankful when we're productive on our days off. As much as I wanted to sleep in today, mos def wanted to take the time out of the morning to attend the Umbra Warehouse Sale at the exhibition grounds. My cousin has been biggin' up this sale for some time now, stating that prices are just slashing and obviously, as we're juts starting out ... we wanted to check it out! Kind of upsetting that it wasn't as great as I imagined it to be. (We did however, get to donate all the jarred baby food that we bought Aiden when he used to eat that stuff ... donating to a food bank or something like Toy Mountain is something that I definitely want to do more significantly, especially during the holidays). We purchased a bunch of photo frames (mainly as Marie's Christmas gift), some stuff for A's bathroom ... and this, which I don't have a home for yet in our home, but am in love with :)

december daily: day nine

Winter mornings are so dark & gloomy. Maybe that's why I move at a turtle's pace when I'm scheduled to work at 9am. By luck, I always seem to open the store the during the first snow fall of the year, by luck. My 25 minute commute became 90 minutes, was totally hating on those flying through on the 403 on the HOV lanes. It snows and then everyone forgets how to drive. I'm truly thinking that winter tired should be mandatory.

On a cooler note, it was Aiden's first time ever seeing the fluffy white stuff. Loving the fact that he's semi-understanding the mini joys December / winter / Christmas :)

december daily: day eight

Finally! Finished with this semester & only THREE more classes until I finish my undergrad degree! I’m finally so close ... but then what? ...

Love the days when there’s nothing big on the agenda but rather just hang out at home and maybe get a little scrapping done - if A let’s me. Today, you found your way to my little craft nook! I’m surprised you resisted the temptation to grab all the little nick nacks on my desk, what a nice boy!

december daily: day seven

Victory is so sweet.

How lucky was I that I only had ONE final this semester? & it happened to land on the first day of the exam period during the first time slot - which means, my Christmas vacation begins TODAY! Ok, well not really a vacation, more like slaving away at the Ritz. Super tough working retail during the holidays. You want it to be over fast but also want to be able to enjoy the moment.

Right after my 8am HR final, I headed to work for a cash support shift. Ryan and I met Wayne & I at Square One to get A's Santa photo taken.

With all the bright lights and the Christmas ornament decorations surrounding Santa's centre, it didn't seem like you were nervous for the visit. Tons of little kids were in line as well & you simply adore the company .. so, so far, so good. Totally knew that you wasn't going to be up for sitting on Santa's lap, so I thought how they took the picture was quite brilliant. They gave you two green lollipops as a teaser and distraction and as we tried to make you smile / giggle / laugh ... Santa popped out behind the curtains for what they labelled on our ticket order as a "peek-a-boo Santa" photo! How cute! How much character does this photo have?! Excited about how it turned out, esp. for paying $13 for one 5x7 photograph. (Except, Santa looks a little extra creepy this year, yes?) Aiden, you're so adorable. You're so much bigger than you were last Christmas, but in this photo, in this chair, you look like such a baby boy!

december daily: day six

Definitely an uneventful that led to such an eventful evening!

All week, I've been contemplating whether or not Ryan and I would end up attending Aritzia's Holiday Bash. Normally, I would be all pumped to go, but it just so happened that my only exam of the semester happens to land on the day after the party ... at 8am. I also had a 10 page paper to finish for my Internship class (only semi-beneficial, definitely not worth the same price as a course like financial accounting). I knew that if I didn't end up going, I would be sad about it, so after my paper was finished & an attempt was done to study, we got all dolled up & partied, Aritzia style.

*Maro on Liberty Street, mini burgers, french fries & drinks, Your Boy Brian pumping good tunes - old school mixes, photos galore & the company of some beauties :)

for photos click here .

december daily: day five

A bit on the busy end today.

Went through leaps and bounds in attempts to get this weekend off from work!

It was Aiden's second time attending Lola's work Christmas party for kids. This Christmas is definitely much different than last. Aiden's so full of curiousity and manages to get his hands on every thing. In fact, he's actually a big baby bully, attempting to steal all the animal balloons from all the kids while they were watching the puppet show! But how do you get mad at such a sweet baby boy face, hehehe.

Lunch was the usual, chicken fingers, pizza, french fries, juice & chocolate milk. Aiden had developed a huge fancy for french fries, ate nothing but them for lunch! & tons of sugar cookies for dessert.

Santa is definitely a huge challenge this year. He's super scared of being around him. I don't think that we'll even be able to get him to take a photo this year! Is Santa really that scary?

The evening was much more quiet. After Aiden went to bed, I spent most of my evening trying to finish a 10 page paper for my Internship class due Monday at midnight. I also have an 8am HR final on Monday morning and work right after. Truly contemplating whether I should even attend Aritzia's Holiday festivities this year ...

december daily: day four

It's definitely a wonderful bonus that the hubs cooks. Actually, it's more than wonderful (except for the fact that I'm still struggling to loose the baby weight!) - just love love food. Although sometimes a daily struggle, it's so much nicer when Ryan & I 'do the mornings' together.

december daily: day three

Took a shopping trip to Erin Mills yesterday with my boys & surprisingly, we were able to cross off 3 more names off our list. Marrying Ryan meant that I acquired 11 nieces and nephews!

Here's our 2009 Christmas list:

• Ma, making memories tools
• Dad
• Wayne, magic mouse
• William
• Chelsea, tna sweater
• Nanay, cashmere wrap sweater
• Christen, gap kids striped henley, hannah montana books
• Miguel, spiderman playdoh
• Kianna, gap kids striped henley, hannah montana books
• Nanay
• Mom, kitchen aid mixer
• Dad, swiss wallet
• Miguel, h&m plaid button up
• Christopher, magic kit, card kit
• Annie, gap kids striped henley
• Mat
• Marie, umbra photo frames
• Justin, the kingdom of fantasy, pokemon cards
• Dylan, super mario & luigi toys & tobogan
• Owen, tonka rumble cars, toy broom (LOL)
• Kayla, ae cardigan
• Syd, hollister wrap cardigan
• Riley, pokemon cards
• Hannah
• Emma, dora moracas

And all the titas & titos will be getting chocolate chip banana bread :)

Looks like we're in pretty good shape!

december daily: day two

We finally took the plunge! & bought a Mac!

Happy faces all around :)

Ryan & I have been wanting to make the investment, but we had to definitely think in terms of practicality. Luckily, Apple introduced a new design of their MacBook & they priced it rather attractively - & we did it! So excited to start creating, storing and documenting with my (I mean, OUR) new toy! It's definitely posing as a HUG distraction as I attempt to study for my one final this semester. After Monday, I will be free from school ... but will become Aritzia's slave :(

december daily: day one

I think this is the way that I'll start my DD's for the rest of my documenting life :)

Here's my day one:

*There's also a back page for day one with photos of this excursion. Although this event didn't happen on December 1st, I thought it was a rather festive way to start the album!

(Journaling)

Ryan & Aiden, all bundled up, ready to board the Santa Claus Express!

Working retail the holiday season sucks. Totally missed Aiden's first train ride, but by the looks from all the photos ... seems like everyone had a great time!

Truly love the magic and glee on people's faces during the Christmas season. Hoping that through this documentation, Aiden will be able to remember all the joy of the season.

she took the midnight train going anywhere

Ok. Bare with me for the next few, because I'm just going to write.

A little past my bedtime (trying to get out of the rut of being an insomniac mama), but feeling more productive during the wee hours of the day/night, whatever you want to call it. I know that it may seem like I write/blog about the same things (school, Aiden, Ryan, work, scrapping, home buying process) over & over again ... it's mainly because, I still can't believe, this, all of this, is happening to me.

Decided to pay a visit to my first (& quite old, est. 2003) blog - my escape, my livejournal. What a throwback. I've been wanting to write something more meaningful for a while now, but I seem to be in some sort of writer's block. Not because I'm lacking inspiration, but more because I'm inspired by different things nowadays. I used to write and write and write about yearning for love, holding on to hope & believing that things will always fall into place. And when I was done being optimistic, I was a total drama queen, venting all my frustrations with my words.

... & then it happened.
All the things that I used to only know about, the love, the hope, the falling into place - it all happened to me (deep down, it's like I always knew this is how it would end up, but I just didn't anticipate on it being this soon, or that it would make me this happy). Life is what you make of it. This is what I'm making out of mine. I'm living my meant-to-be, my dream-come-true ... this is it.

But let's get serious, it's not always a field of flowers. Ups, down, turn arounds ... life has a funny way of telling you you're doing ok :) I guess the beauty is finding a way to deal with it. Whether it deals with forgiving & forgetting or letting go & moving on. I'm always trying to see the upside to life - you never know, things can get cut short.

24

So this is it.
The big, two-four. Next year will be the quarter century extravaganza. Oh geez.
Lying in bed, listening to my little man snore, while I'm truly congested to the max. Sick on my birthday, this isn't the first time. Hope tonight is better than anticipated ;)

overload!

Major things happening.
2010 will be a BIG year, I can already feel it.

Randomness of the past few days;
(1) Took my grad photos today. Really wanted to reschedule (been feeling like I'm coming down with some sort of sickness), but we through with it anyway. Just hoping that I don't look like death in them, wonder if retakes is a possibility.

(2) Feeling anxiety about graduation, well, what I'm going to be doing post grad. I actually just postpone all thoughts about my plans after uni life, but it's coming sooner rather than later & I'm getting nervous.

(3) Christmas is in 43 days. My last exam for the fall semester is on December 7th (actually, I only have one final ...), but after that date, I will be a retail slave. This is when I definitely miss being on mat leave. Not looking forward to the hustle & bustle that the Holiday season has to offer. LOVE, love the season, but it always feels like I don't get to fully indulge.

(4) Committing to finishing the structural aspect of my December Daily on Saturday, excited to get crafty :)

(5) Being a MOH is a ton of work & I don't even think I've felt the half of it yet.

(6) Attended a Michael Belcourt Lecture series at school last week (for Retail Week). It was titled, "The Future of Fashion Retailing". Featured Joe Mimran, Kimberly-Newport Mimran and Larry Rosen. So fascinated about the aspects that were discussed and how they felt about the way fashion was headed, especially in terms of sustainability, perception of value (from the point of the consumer) and the success rate of Canadian designers being little to none in the Canadian marketplace. Love learning from lecture such as these.

(7) Aiden is amazing.

(8) Ryan's not so bad either.

(9) I'm 24 in one. Wow.

december daily 2009

Joining Ali Edwards in creating this.

Hoping that I will have better luck this year, then I did last year - but in all fairness, it was my 1st time around & we were new parents! (*side note; totally crazy how time passes by so fast!)
I will play along and definitely COMPLETE this project for 2009.

Step One: Gather your materials
Since I've been somewhat of a scrapbook for just a little over a year now, I was able to collect some Christmas like items and materials that be suit my style (whatever that is).

yes, yes, yes.
Only 59 days until Christmas!
OMG!

no longer checking the mail on a daily

Finally!
Ryan's $3000 prize money from the Venison Competition came in the mail this morning :)
No more we-must-check-the-mail, did-you-bring-the-mail-key, i'm-just-quickly-running-to-get-the-mail !!! It's arrived! Instead of splurging on a Macbook or a PS3, Ryan deposited it straight into our savings account. After all, our Design Centre appointments are right around the corner, the money is definitely going to be used to pay for our upgrades!


Totally wanted Ryan to take a photo with the cheque, but he wouldn't (of course!). So I got Aiden to do so. How frantic were we, went we thought he was going to rip it! Hahaha, what a crazy little bugger.

fall semester 09

Is it wrong that I'm not exactly putting any effort into my academics? I'm basically just doing what I need to get by, what is required of me. I still haven't been able to find my work/life, life/school, school/work balance. It's also tougher this time around considering I'm married w/ child :)

</edit!> Upon doing some course notes, summarizing chapters & ppt presentations, I decide to check my Ryerson email ... low & behold, I'm notified that I'm an award recipient!!!! More details will follow,

It's shaping up to be a great week! :D
Sent on the TELUS Mobility network with BlackBerry

.. starts today

my committment,
starts today.

I know from time to time I post to myself that I wanted to be a better, more consistent blogger - & I always fail to keep that pact. Well here I am again today, saying that I will be here more often.

In a matter of a few years, my life has changed dramatically. I have endured struggles & pain, joy & happiness, success & failures. It's been one heck of a ride getting here thus far! I can only imagine what kind of life lies ahead for me & I want to document my life - in any way possible.

So, here's my vow, once again.
Let's hope I hold up my end of the bargain!

it's official!

I know I posted about this not too long ago, but this & this definitely brought some joy to my face!

"This award winning recipe comes from the talented chef Ryan de Leon."

So proud of you Ry, ♥

let's save 2nd base!

So, in March, I registered Ryan, Aiden & I in the CIBC Run for the Cure. It's coming up quick! (Today was the team deadline for personalized team tees & for once, everyone has paid the $40 registration fee or raised @ least $150 in donations! - yay!) Since we do it as a family, we actually 'walk' the 5K instead of running. It's my third time participating this year & second for Ry & I.

However, this year is pretty special. We're doing it in memory of Tatay. Although he didn't have breast cancer, it was cancer nonetheless. & after a 6 month battle w/ lung cancer we lost our Tatay on August 1st. It will be bittersweet ...

C.L.L. - we miss you

back to the daily grind of student life

I feel sleepy.

It's definitely different this time around. Even though I'm only taking 3 classes this semester, I also have work, Ryan & Aiden! It's only the 2nd week & I'm already finding it difficult to juggle my time between what school demands & hanging out with my boys. Aiden can be so demanding some days - sometimes he just really wants his mama! Ryan on the other hand, understands when I have to put him on hold, hehehe. BUT, it's only SEVEN more months! & then I'll finally have my undergrad degree under my belt!

As much as it's a challenge, I love the change of pace. Different scene, different people. Being downtown, amongst all the hustle & bustle of every day life is such a treat. I love learning about what will interest my future employers, mentors. As much as I want this whole process to be over, I'm terrified of what's next? Ask me what my dream job is, & I don't even think I would have an answer for you.

Ok, real life: HR Director for an apparel organization

fantasy life: SAHM, with a small scrapbooking store :)

What different lives!

simply amazing

this is his creation.
(*photo courtesy of Richard Johnson)

i adore you, not just because you're my husband - but because you have this passion, this commitment. it is so refreshing to see someone love what they do so much (& i guess it makes it a lot easier for you because you're so good at what you do!) lucky you, that you have found something that compels you. but trust me, i know that you have so much strength & determination - things like this don't just happen, you have to work for it, you have to work hard. what an awesome role model you'll be for A. what an inspiration you've become for me.

you are simply amazing.

*the dish was created for a venison competition, Ry won 2 out of the 5 prizes & the top overall prize, score!

on the first day of september

& just like that, a month passes us by.

not a day goes by that I don't think about you,
not a moment goes by that I don't miss seeing your face.

the holes in my heart are aching,
will this ever get easier?

I'm not ready for another goodbye

I seem to be masking all my sadness - through laughter. I'm fining myself being irritated easily, angry with my partner-in-crime because of the pain that hits my heart. I'm not ready to battle this emotional roller coaster. I'm not ready for yet another goodbye.

My head is telling me, that there's no reason to feel this way. That we'll wait until things are etched in stone, before we start feeling sorry. But my heart is trying to prepare, for the things that are to come - the inevitable.

I'm loosing hope, loosing faith.
I'm spending the free time that I have making, creating, bundling the memories that we've shared. Because one day, that's what I'll be clinching onto.

my life as i know it,

Quick, little update ... I feel like I'll be able to write more if I write in a list :)

1. Our computer crashed over a week ago. I'm still recovering over the fact that I don't think I'll be able to retrieve all those files. I try not to think about it too much because the anxiety overwhelms me. Father brought the cpu to a family friend, in hopes to recover what we hope hasn't been lost forever ... this incident will teach me to backup, backup, backup! :(

2. Aiden is ONE this Friday! Our baby is ONE! It's hard to swallow. & if this is an indication of how time will fly in the years to come, oh boy ... we'll have a teenager on our hands soon enough! hehehe. I'm semi-nervous for this birthday bash on Saturday. Hoping that things go off without a hitch & that we're all able to just enjoy ourselves. Reminder; take loads of photos ... this is how A will remember this moment.

3. Our baby is a walker! Ok, so he's not completely mobile on his own, but he's getting there & he's soo cute! His first steps are amazing & his determination is so strong :)

4. Law & Order on Sunday night is tres addictive .. super.

5. After A's birthday extravaganza, Ry & I are going to get serious about home-buying. Need to get a pre-approved mortgage, save more for our downpayment & hopefully find a realtor who'll be able to match up with our perfect home! I can't wait to be a home-owner :D

6. So I went back to work about 2 weeks ago ... it's been, ok. So many things change over one year's time & let's just say things are just not the same. My feelings are mixed & I'm swaying back & forth. This is supposed to be what I love ...

7. I'm so proud of Ry. His creativity inspires me & his passion is addictive. I'm so happy for him.

8. I'm 98% sure that my upper wisdom tooth is cracked or broken or ... not right. My teeth suck.

9. It's been 2 weeks since my gym passed has been scanned. What does it take to stay committed? Gaaaahhhhh!

10. It feels like forever since I've scrapped. I miss it.

11. Can't wait to be the proud owner of a Mac, where is our tax refund?! :(

12. I'm posting my daily rantings on Twitter ... I'm actually at an addictive state.

13. I'm a reality TV whore; The Real Housewives, Tori & Dean, ANTM, Make Me a Supermodel, So You Think You Can Dance ...

14. Lastly, I'm hoping Tatay is getting better ... xo.

'and after all these years ...
you're still a bitch.'

wonderful.

funny things about life

I just read what my last post was about & chuckled a little ... I don't think that I'll ever have consistency when it comes to blogging. But I've been obssessed with trying to document life. Trying to capture all the moments, so that I am able to have vivid memories & are able to reply them down the road.

Somedays it truly feels like life is flashing before my eyes. It's so hard to believe that it's almost been ONE YEAR since A was born. We almost have a toddler on our hands! Time flies, really flies. & now, Tuesday .. I'm back to work. Let's see who'll be experiencing the separation anxiety then :(

the joy of consistency!

It's been a busy, yet relaxing few days. I was successful in going to the gym 3 days straight last week. I gave myself the weekend off to recooperate , but I felt guilty / sad that I didn't go! That's a first, hehehe. I'm really trying to push myself this time around. Plus it also helps that I get to see more of my highschool sweethearts. It so true, instead of catching up over big bowls of pasta & high sugar girly cocktails, we can bond while on the treadmill breaking out in a serious sweat! Workouts always seem to go by faster when a friend is involved. I thought the tv was my friend, but I'm totally hating on the commericals. Another success today. A bunch of errands & whatnot to run w/ Ry & A tomorrow, so cutting the gym out of the schedule (ahh, there it is again - the guilt!). I can't believe I'm back to work on the 18th, *cries.

I participated in my very first National Scrapbook Day on Saturday - virtually w/ 2peas. I still can't believe that I managed to complete (yes, fully complete) 3 layouts in ONE day! :D I guess having challenges & a 'due date' really puts fire under my bum! It was fun, loved that scrapbooking was really my only focus of the day (minus caring for A of course, but it's a bonus having lola & lolo around!) Next year, (hoping to have our own place by then & my own space to create) I'm going to make Ry book the day off work (I guess not being on Mat leave anymore means I'll have to book the day off too!) & he and A can have a daddy/son playdate all day long! As part of our 'errands' for tomorrow, I'm hoping to get a little bit of goodies to play around with. My stash is getting big, so I don't need much .. but the new products sure bring out some inspiration!

Off to bed!

c'mon, 4 more, 3 more, 2 more ...

Lately, I've been asking myself - how the heck do people stay motivated to go to the gym on a consistent basis? Now instead of coming up with answers, I've decided to take a stand & just do it. Just go, just be consistent. Today marks day 2. I know it's doesn't seem like anything big, but it's an small victory. I think we would all be happier if we we're able to celebrate the small accomplishments in life just as much as the big ones. Today is day 2, tomorrow will be day 3, then day 4 & so on.

The thing that I struggle with most (besides watching what I eat, which I have never done until I was pregnant) is ... I've never had to diet, I never really had an issue with my body growing up, so now that the issues have risen, it's hard to deal. I'm struggling. But I can do this. Results come with hard work & hard work takes determination.

double date :)

Date night was definitely in full effect - last night. Ryan & I spent the evening with Ry's good friend Ivan and his finace RD (which happens to be a friend of mine). Our plans were to have dinner & drinks @ The Keg here in Mississauga, but when Ry & I were driving to the location, most of the major intersections had non-functioning lights. We arrived @ The Keg only to find that their power was out & they weren't seating any guests, waaahhh - totally cravings a medium steak! Nevertheless, we had ribs @ Baton Rouge. Ryan & I definitely know how to rack up a bill, but we always tend to justify it when the night is spent among good friends & great conversations. It's been a while since Ry & I have enjoyed the company of another couple & it's an added perk that the awkwardness factor was irrelevant - considering we've all known each other for 5 plus years.

Ivan & RD are cute, their engagement was so spontaneous. Their big day is etched in for October of next year & you can already see the stress of the wedding planning on their faces. It's hard to fathom, all that anticipation, the stress, the planning ... & the actual day will go by so fast! I'm happy for them, it's been a long journey already & they deserve their forever together.

That's the four of us, way back playback in 2002
goodness, where are my eyebrows ;)

to sunny skies & swinging swings

Today was lovely. It's Ryan's day off, so naturally we would be out before lunch, running errands, picking up necessities or heading out to a location of my choice. Today, I decided ... I didn't want to do anything, well ... I felt like I wanted to clean :) Of course, with A around, not much can get done (well, not as much as I would have liked). We did however got to organize our bookshelf before A's afternoon nap. Ry has taken over ... 4 blocks of cookbooks & he had the nerve to tell me to pack away my textbooks & store them into a box! Hahaha, I like seeing those books, it's like a sense of accomplishment.

The afternoon was super lazy. Ryan ended up taking a nap & to extend A's nap ... I ended up napping with him. Ry had plans to play basketball in the evening, so we took A to the park (for the 1st time!) late in the afternoon. He loves the swing :) It was so windy out that A's hair looked like a taupe! He's so cute. Wish we stayed for longer & got better shots, but the wind wasn't doing it for us. Plus, I'm not down with parks that have sand. Totally don't love the feeling of sand between my toes, well expect for when I'm maxing & relaxing on the beach :) Nevertheless, loved being active & outside. Here's to summer!

the weekend thus far ...

Yesterday started out beautiful (weather wise). It was stunning, Ryan even considered calling in sick, but how obvious would that be? :) Ran a few errands with Chels & A. Tried to keep it to a minimum because by this time, it was hot fire outside. Bought flowers for Nanay's 80th (wonder what it feels like to be @ that milestone!). What seemed to be a mini tornado storm hit by the evening. Winds were gusting & a gross amount of litter was floating through the musky air. Famjammin' all night. The humidity made it so uncomfortable & time was passing so slowly. A was incredibly cute last night. He's such a big boy now, always wanting to be part of all the conversations :) But overall, good times spent with friends & fam, lots of laughter - I love laughing. After the night was over (when A signaled enough was enough) ... we headed home. I was so happy to be in my bed, so happy.

I'm letting A sleep in my arms. Spoiling him a bit because he was such a trooper last night. He's sleeping so peacefully! My back & my arms are feeling it though!! Ekk! I feel like cleaning!, then scrapping. I asked Ry for a date night, but I'm thinking I would be perfectly content with staying in & organizing A's small baby clothes & burning his photos onto backup cds. Is that whack? Hahaha,

mr. sun!

The sun is shining, the weather is sweet (yes).

Hoping to have some photos of A enjoying the weather. He's napping right now & I haven't showered yet. Mellow day planned. Lola-Lola's 80th birthday bash tonight. Must go & pick up some flowers,

Have a great Saturday!

can we call this an acronym?

Ryan wrote something funny on our whiteboard today.

A: amazing
I: intelligent
D: dangerous
E: exhausting
N: nice guy

It made me laugh, out loud.
It's so very true, all of it :)

planning our very near future,

Yesterday, I sent off emails & made tentative arrangements regarding my back to work situation. I definitely can't believe that almost a year has passed. I'm both anxious & nervous to got back to the wonderful world of Aritzia. I feel conscious because I haven't lost all the preggo fat yet & somehow, I have to be fashion forward - not to mention the fact that I feel like I've forgotten how to dress myself! I'm scared to leave A. I've never really been away from him (minus the excursion that I made on Monday). It's definitely going to be a HUGE transition - once again. I feel like I'm going to be the one that's experiencing the separation anxiety. I'm going to miss my wubs.

I told myself that I was only going to go back PT, mainly because I wanted to take summer classes - which will give me flexibility come Fall & lighten my course load. But to tell you the truth, I'm a tad sick of the school bit right now. Maybe better focus will come out in the Fall, when I'll physically be in classes, as opposed to distance ed. Back to the PT shpeel, PT is really the only thing the Ritz can offer me - Ash said the recession is def taking it's toll. I'm crossing my fingers that my renumeration request (from last year's evaluation) was approved. Oh goodness ... how are we ever going to save for our own home?? Hoping things fall neatly into place!

first 2peas order!

Totally forgot to write about this post!

So, I've been waiting to order some 'goodies' from 2peas, but couldn't justify the cost of the shipping plus the USD / CAD exchange rate - BUT, they held a one day sale on April fools (no joke) and I just couldn't resist!

I'm finished with my psych class so I have to start getting back into the creative groove. Loving all the inspiration products that I picked out, especially all the AC stuff :)

leaving my baby babes

So yesterday, Carissa & I ended up on an excursion with TomTom (the GPS system) to Buffalo to do a bit of shopping. Okay, a good bit of shopping. It was the first time ever that I left Aiden for an entire day ... oh the anxiety. It was Ryan's day off & we had scheduled a doctor's appointment regarding the baby eczema on his thighs and behind his knees (nothing big, just have to apply some tropical cream onto the problem areas). I had made breakfast & lunch for him the night before & Ryan was responsible for dinner. Sent a bunch of text messages back & forth, & despite being nervous for the day (both Ryan & I), everything seemed to be going smoothly. My little man is growing up!

The night ended with Steak Hoagies & Wings from Davids that I brought back from Buffalo and Ryan & I finally finished Nick & Nora's Infinite Playlist (which reminds me, I want to download the soundtrack!) ... what a cute movie!!

On another note, saw this commerical last night too .. & instantly fell in love with everything in her closet, instantly.

sleepless in mississauga

I can remember vividly, the first months of having A. Ryan & I felt so happy, (obviously because we had this joy in our lives) but more because we were blessed with a baby who slept. Oh Aiden, as a baby, you loved loved to sleep.

Now, almost hitting your 11 month mark - I'm wishing we were still blessed with those sleepful nights. Your sleeping patterns are all out of whack. Ryan & I can't remember the last time you slept through the night (ok, twice in a row, last month ... but that doesn't reallt count!). When Ryan called during dinner, he asked me to try to put A to sleep in his crib (he's been cosleeping with since, I'd say, January?). I don't know what convinced me, possessed me, to say yes. What a sad attempt tonight - I've been rocking the poor, overtired, big little guy for over an hour now. (Blogging as I hold him - multi-tasking, something great mamas master!) Hoping he has now surrendered! ... Let's try this again, off to he crib! Ekkkk!!!

tell me, tell me

I just want to hear him say,
'Everything is going to be okay ...'

a better today,

Ryan had a dentist appointment this morning which means, I'm left with A from 9am to approximately 1030pm ... ekk. But to my surprise,
what started as a rough morning is turning into a better afternoon. A totally skipped his morning nap, most likely because it seems as if Ryan has forgotten how to change A's diaper properly - & by properly I mean - so that when A's napping, he pees in his diaper & not all over his sleeper. Aiden wakes up screaming, I pat his bottom to feel it soaking wet. I get up to change his diaper, anticipating a full one, but his diaper's dry & just his sleeper is wet. Fun. He never went back to sleep.
A spent most of the morning watching HSM3 & he actually ate his lunch today, yay :)
I'm sitting in our bed & A is asleep (in my arms again), but he's only woken up twice since 12:30pm :) Got 8 pages of my paper done, just need to finish up the 'directions for future learning' section & edit, edit, edit.

Here's to hoping the evening is swell!

I'm melting ...

I write this with A in my arms, moaning & diddle-daddling with his eyes closed. He's so tired, but just won't stay asleep.

My frustration levels have reached new highs. My patience is dwindling - I'm starting to think that I'm not cut out for this. I keep telling myself to play it cool, this is just a phase, & this too will pass - eventually. It just seems like later than sooner.
Naptimes never used to be a problem for A. I'll put him down for a nap (in my arms, of course), place him down on our bed when he's fallen asleep & 2 hours later, wakes a happy happy baby. Lately, everytime I leave the room, he wakes up crying, screaming ... I'm at my wits end. Naptimes are god send to me. It's when I complete my homework, wash dishes, tidy up, prepare snacks, complete online tasks, not to mention - revive myself of my sanity. Wishing I could somehow take a break for a moment, maybe for a few hours, or even for a day. But at the same time, I feel like I'm being a bad mama :(

midnight delight

Lately, when A wakes up around this time, we attempt to put him back to sleep (as per usual), but if that doesn't work out - we've been letting him stay up a bit. We change his bum & just quietly watch some TV in bed with A in either my arms or Ry's (although A fights Ry when he's in his arms & would much rather lay in bed with me, such a mama's boy - honestly!). I don't know if it's the 'right' thing to do, but it seems to be working for us! We wake up @ 630 am to a happy, but hungry baby (but when is A not hungry, hehehe).
So now, A is in my arms, Ry is getting ready for bed & we're waiting for CSI to start, feels like my preggo nights, but with a babe :P!

Aiden is so delightful around midnight, xxoo.

my biggest 'project' to date;

So I've been working quite diligently on A's First Year mini album. (Even though I have an 8 page paper on the effectiveness of alcoholism due next Saturday). I'm trying to make the concept / template of the album quite simple (mainly because I have to repeat the steps 12 times), but I'm finding that my brain is jumping the gun & wanting to do so much more with it. I'm going to compose a test template tonight to see just how visually aesthetic it is. The thing that I'm having the most difficulty with is the journaling. I tried, as best I could (being a first time mama usually means the preggo-brain carries on - for at least the first 3 months after delivery) to keep track of the events of A's days. What I should have did was writing along the way, as the months passed us by. But where was the time when I needed it?! ... learning to take care of a newborn, taking online classes for my degree & adjusting to being someone's wife ... LOL. So now I'm 'stuck' with the tedious task of reliving the moment & attempting to jot them down on paper (well, Microsoft Word). Don't get me wrong, the reliving is not the tedious part, but rather the fact that I want to write everything down - want everything to be perfect ... will I ever accept that perfection is next to impossible? I'm making progress though, hoping I'll have something to show for before A actually turns 1! (omg, he's 10 months tomorrow, where has the time gone?)

oh crap;

So today is the anticipated 'wedding of the year' - & I say that with little enthusiam because of the fact that there's really no wedding at all ... the reception will most likely upstage the 'wedding of 2007' but nevertheless, be ... non-fun.

On the crappier side, Ryan decided to work @ Niagara St. Cafe for brunch - which he does every Sunday. BUT, he forgot to leave A's carseat. Waaahhh, & I don't think leaving early is an option for him (more wahhhh). So now, I'm sitting here, putting A to nap, thinking - I may just miss this event.

waiting, waiting, waiting ...

Lately, I’ve been full of one-liners.
Here’s to one more.

I want you, to want me.

just a few things to consider;

Stop being insecure.
You're doing a GREAT job.

Give yourself more credit,
this is a BIG learning experience.

Be nice,
it's his FIRST time too.

Take things slow,
all things will fall into place.

& remember,
you're in this together ...
You always have been & you always will be.

(Don't sweat the small stuff)

our very own little rugrat!

Today was rough.

It was constant constant crying & earing piercing screams. I'm still trying to figure our why A has been so cranky all day long. I would think that a nap would relieve the cranks, but even those didn't work today (not even FOOD!).

Hope tomorrow goes better. Wah,

note to self;

Love is not supposed to hurt.

sleepless nights

Aiden has been having episodes of waking up hysterically, sitting on our bed, waiting for someone to come in, swoop down & rescue him ... it's been a few days.

Tonight, during one of these episodes Ryan asks A, 'hey buddy, do you want to be an only child?' ... hahaha.

I laugh because it's true. The nights are really when Ryan & I have some 'alone' time to hang out with each other. Mornings are still rough for us, because A is still not sleeping straight, so we still have crapp nights. But it definitely has gotten better - baby steps, no doubt. It's like I want to fast forward to the days when A sleeps in his own bed, on his own, BUT at the same time I want to savour every moment of my days now. It's simply bittersweet.

A sleeps so peacefully in my arms,

c'est la vie

Crappy how small things can truly ruin your day
& it's amazing how the same things can bring you right back up again.

I guess that pretty much sums up how my days have been.
Seeing family tomorrow for Kristina's Sweet 16. I hope I'll have some photos to share after then.


(ordinary people)

perfectly imperfect

As cliche as it sounds, things definitely change when you get married. & that doesn't necessarily mean a bad thing. BUT, it does however, mean that there has to be some adjusting, some compromising & indefinite cooperation.

In a matter of just about one year, I became a wife & a mother. Two of the hardest roles in life, I think. They are roles that I cherish dearly, but definitely did not anticipate what would be expected of me. As a wife, I married my best friend. The one person who I truly wanted to share my life with ... I got exactly what I wanted. & although I always felt like this was my meant to be, I always seem to question my other half. He does much to reassure me, but I think I'll always have that feeling bottled up inside of me. It's a bitter thing I know & I'm working on it, but ... I can't fade it. But this is my life, & I love every moment of it.

As a first-time mama, I learn something new everyday. I do everything I can to apply these learnings in my day-to-day situations. Some days are easier than others. Some days A needs more nurturing, more cuddling. Some days he's independant & wants his space. Everyday is different, everyday has a surprise. I still can't believe that I have this sweet baby boy that trusts me with his life, completely. He loves me unconditionally, & looks at me like I'm his hero. This is the joy of motherhood. I never imagined just how incredible this feeling could be, I am so lucky. Since day one, he has been my world.

My whole life changed, my world became complete (well, for now, I still want more babes!) Somedays, I feel selfish. Selfish for wanting some time away from A, for wanting to go back to school, for wanting to sleep in, for wanting to wean ... I'm still dealing with balance & I'm learning the importance of taking care of myself & keeping me happy. Happy me = happy family. Hahaha.

Please, slow down baby -

& stop growing!

Tomorrow, Aiden is 9 months old. (Already)

I have much anxiety building up inside of me. Mainly because his 9 month mark means that I'll have to return to work in less than 3 months ... & the separation anxiety begins for me. To have spent everyday, since day one with A & then to have to leave him for 8 hour stretches - makes me so sad. BUT, I have to think about it in such a way that, Ryan & I are working towards a better life for the 3 of us. That we're working towrads a future for our family ... & that we're starting our forever, together.

Ask me about all of this, 2-3 years ago, & I would have never imagined that I would have any of this. The kind of LOVE that A shows me, the kind of LOVE that Ryan means to me - these boys are my life (even though Ryan now calls himself my 'number 2' guy) BUT, this life, is tough - this life, has ups, downs & all arounds. There's hardships & obstacles. There's late nights, when we just sit & wonder whether we're doing the right things. When we ask ourselves questions - we wonder whether you're happy. Are we being good parents? There are times when we fight, argue & place blame - it's not always picture perfect. But the hard times is what makes the good times, really good. A few nights ago, I remember lying down in bed, almost bedtime, starring at you & Ry. I can hear you both breathing. You were sleeping, & dada was just watching you sleep. My life, at that moment ... felt complete.

How wonderful life is,
now you're in the world.

feeling like some weight has been lifted!

Okay, not in the sense that I really want, BUT ... I got a haircut today :)

(finally) & the best part about it is that, I paid $13! Small little Asian place on Hwy 10 & Dundas (I know, I know - not one of the best areas, but ... thirteen dollars?! C'mon now!) I haven't really decided if I'm in love love with it, but it feels wicked & uber healthy. Nothing too drastic, because I didn't want to feel like I had 'mom hair', plus I NEED to be able to tie it back into a pony tail (For A LOVES to pull hair). It's 3 inches shorter, but hair is hair & will grow back eventually. So for now, I'm happy :)

Also, it really feels like Ryan and I are getting the hang of this whole saving thing. Well, it just seems like there's more coming in, then going out & by the end of this week - we will have fully paid off our MasterCard! woohoo! No more balances! That makes me truly happy. (We're going out for lunch, just us and A to celebrate) & we're going to use our debit card. It's time to start purchasing 'things' that we need versus the wants. I do, however, believe in once in a while splurges. Life is worth living! (But not in debit, hahaha). I was watching Oprah the other afternoon & she was taking about living a much simpler life. It truly intrigued me. She was talking about a 'pledge' ... this is what it entailed:

Do not spend money for one day

Do not use your credit card(s) for one week

Do not eat out at restaurants for ONE MONTH

The first two are rather easily for Ryan and I, considering Ryan works six days a week and only really spends money on gas & considering that I'm on Mat Leave and don't have a car regularly. The third, however, ekkk! It's our most favourite thing to do! I think it will have to be one of those things that we limit ourselves from doing, but I don't know about eliminating it completely. That will definitely be a challenge! BUT, I must give us credit .. I know for a fact that we've cut back on eating out and spending all together. It seems like our spending accumulates to weekly trips for A's neccessities (oh A :))

It's tax season. Let's hope it's a good one.

highschool sweethearts

Today, I had brunch with Vickee and Anj (& A).

It feels nice just hanging out, catching up with great girlfriends. It's been way too long and the part that I love most, is that we're able to just pick up right where we left off - no questions asked. (Ok, I lied .. lots & lots of questions are asked!)

Good times,

On the other hand, I ordered a burger - first & last time from this place.

Gross.

ordinary people (bittersweet)

This (us) is hard stuff.

I guess deep down (& I've never actually admitted this out loud), but I seem to question whether this is for real, whether this is what you had wanted to for yourself or it was simply just a default. And although I never regret anything that has happened since that day, I can't seem to shake it off ... do you really want to be here? is this what you had always seen for yourself? Because for me, the answer has always been yes, always.

& as we're 'growing up', I feel like we've incurred so much of the 'responsibility' bit earlier on (with A) and some days it seems like you're ready to 'give up' & back down. Which is the one thing that I actually fear the most. Besides A, you are my life. It just feels, different. But I know that 'these are the hard times'. Starting our life together has been so tough. It hasn't always been picture perfect nor glamorous, but I wouldn't have it any other way - because I got exactly what I hoped for. (now did you?)

You are my best friend. The one person that I trust my life with, that I trust A with. You are the one who loves to make me laugh, the one I want to laugh with. I love the life that we've already created together ... this is our forever.

***

I love you more than all the stars in the sky.

tweet, tweet.

Dammit.

why

must

I

do

this

to

myself.

I caved. but under no pressure, whatsoever. Just me.
Tweet, tweet.

my latest obsession & other stuff that's kept me busy

1. 2P's. I joined a little while ago, but started to become a more active member recently. It's definitely one of my 'newest' addictions. Totally trying to stay away from Twitter. I'm attracted to addictions.

2. A is in full effect teething mode. He's got 2 little buggers on the bottom of his mouth & looks so cute! But it's truly affecting him. He's also caught a cold that I had last week, so he was a little snotty earlier this week. The cold has now passed on to Ryan ... despite all that, A's still able to crack smiles and laughs all day long -

3. Sleeping (well, bedtime rountines & whatnot) haven't been too much stress as of late. Maybe because I've stopped making them stressful. Trying my hardest just to be flexible & follow A's cues. Like tonight, he was so fussy by 530pm (he hadn't even had dinner yet!), but I did our bedtime routine half an hour earlier & he was in bed by 630pm. He woke up at 9 ish - when I then transfered him onto our bed. We're trying this whole 'co-sleeping' thing - it's actually working for us & contrary to popular belief, a breastfed baby can sleep beside his mama without always waking up to nurse. Thank goodness! I love, love cuddling with A at night, (oh! & Ryan too)

4. This week's lecture is on alcohol & the effects that it has on society (negatively). Most don't see alcohol as a psychoactive drug, but it's one of the leading sustances in terms of abuse - it's masked as a 'social' drug. I actually enjoy reading this textbook. Like I was telling Faye, I even read the little stories in the boxes, the side notes, the company / individual examples. Hahaha, I'm such a geek.

5. The gym, well it's still where it is, except it doesn't seem to have me in it. I don't know where my lack of motivation is coming from, but I SERIOUSLY need to get back into workout mode. I still have a goal of 15-20 pounds to loose, in order to be back to my pre-preggo days. Attending the GSM made me realize that I do in fact have to go back to work, & I work at a fashion company. I feel like I don't even know how to dress myself anymore! Help! I'm in need of a stylist - someone named Michelle.

6. I've been talking a lot about mortgages, house hunting & payment plans with Carissa. Between the two of us, we've got some knowledge under our belts. It scares me to death that we're thinking about making one of the biggest purchases of our lives. I'm terrified to be a homeowner! I feel like I don't know anything about anything, & I just don't want to make any mistakes (but we all know I will!), nor to I want to get myself (well, my family) into a crummy situation. But I definately cannot wait for the moment they say 'here', & hand us the keys to our first home :)

7. Ryan and I are finally contributing to our savings account on a weekly (yes! weekly!) basis. That makes me so happy. AND, our MasterCard will have a zero balance after next week. WOOHOO!

8. I love scrapbooking. I wish I could do it all day, everyday.

and the Oscar goes to ...

I've curled up, in my pyjamas & a cup of half hot chocolate, half coffee - & settled in with a date with Oscar. (I usually never watch award shows, but when you've indulged yourself with watching almost every movie - it makes you rather curious to see who'll win!)

I'm torn between so many of the nominees! From Benjamin Button (which I loved!) to Slumdog Millionare (which I loved too!) ... Ryan on the other hand finds the awards to be rather boring ... so he's on youtube finding clips of the nominated documentaries that we should have seen too.

... ok, be back tomorrow. Must focus, :)

goodnight, sleep tight

As a new mama, I tend to googgle everything.

I don't believe everything that I read, but I read a lot of information and opinions about parenting & just about babies in general.

Our biggest 'issue' with A right now is his sleeping habits. He's such a good napper, but by bedtime, he's such a wreck. As of today, this is what his schedule looks like:

7am: wake up, nurse

8am: breakfast, cereal, fruit, some cherrios

9am: naptime

11am: wake up, 6oz bottle feed

1145am: lunchtime, usually a protein & veggies

1230pm: naptime

2pm: wake up, nurse

3pm: snack, fresh fruit, cherrios, or baby mum mum

330pm: music playtime with mama

4pm: discover, play with toys, lots of crawling

5pm: 60z bottle feed

545pm: dinnertime, usually fruits & veggies

630pm: bathtime

7pm: nurse, fall asleep

A's been waking up around 930pm & 11pm. When he wakes at 11pm, I've been taking him out of his crib & placing him on our bed (co-sleeping). Since we've done that, we hasn't really woke up during the 'middle' of the night. Sometimes around 5am, but then he'll fall back asleep until about 645am & then he'll nurse at 7am. He also used to have a third nap from 330pm - 430pm, but that was eliminated last week .. he just refused to sleep. Which is fine because it was a short, late in the day nap anyway. But by 7pm, he's done for the day ...

Yesterday I picked up a book that I've 'run' into doing google searches. I'm feeling such high hopes while I'm reading the first few chapters, I'm crossing my fingers!!! :)

As frustrating as it can get at times, how can you be upset with someone who smiles at you like this ...

a reoccurring dream

It's never the same dream, but it always involves you.

& come to think of it, it always occurs right around your birthday - I believe this started the year after you passed away in 2004. Has it really been that long already?

I can't interpret what it exactly means, but in my dreams, you're alive and you're well. You're laughing, you're conversing, you're breathing. You're flirting ... you're you. It always seems so real, like we would pick up right where we left off. Like you were a friend that I hadn't seen in ages, hadn't spoken to in years, but it didn't matter - all was forgiven. And that's how it truly feels, like you're the friend who lives far far away, but in reality - the only way I get to see you, is in these dreams ... some days I hope for something more. I always wonder what it would be like if you were still around. As a teenager, I always believed that you were the person who instilled a bit confidence within me.

must be nice

I'm annoyed.

Now excuse me as I indulge myself in something that makes me happy.

digging a little bit deeper

For the life of me, I could not remember
What made us think that we were wise, & we'd never compromise

I don't like myself today.

Definitely had a bit of a (actually a large) falling out. It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment, but I wanted a release - I wanted a way out, even if it was just for a moment. I wanted to let you in, I wanted to give up, I wanted more than I was getting, I wanted out. My wants were taking over my needs and I was loosing track of the things (the people) that matter to me most. I was not the person that I aspire to be - I was simply tired. & the thought-provoking realization was that - I really felt like I wasn't getting the credit (and I really, really, needed that boost of confidence). I wanted to be alone, but I wanted you with me. Can I just lay here with you, & forget the world?

(you) keep me sane

baby bottles

We're up to 6 oz at the 11am feeding now.
Great, great progress.

Today, I'm going to try a 5pm feeding with formula.
Still feeling guilty about the whole not-exclusively breastfeeding ordeal, so I'm smuthering A with tons of lovin'. Tons.

Nothing too new around here.
(still haven't completed by 'Daily December' album) - but working on some other creative projects.

Keep ya posted.
Excited that OTH is on tonight, :)

13 things about me;

1. It's been almost 8 months since I gave birth & I'm still carrying around the pregnancy weight. I joined the gym last October and I haven't gone once this month. I feel a lack of motivation, but want quick results - this is not how I usually feel about my goals.

2. I believe that Dashboard is the soundtrack to my life. I love love love getting lost in their songs & I feel like all the most significant moments in my life can be defined by a song.

3. My favourite moment, aside from watching Aiden sleep, has to be driving in the car with Ryan - riding shotgun - just me & him, blasting tunes off my iPod. I feel like I can be 23 for real and just enjoy the ride.

4. At 23, I always thought I would have finished my post-secondary degree. I secretly vent about it to myself. (9 more course to go)

5. I'm taking an upper liberal titled, "Drugs and Human Behaviour". It has the best textbook that I have read in my whole university career.

6. I feel like my childhood is a blur. & I sometimes regret not keeping in touch with the friends I once had. But then again, it's no one-way street. I wonder if they think about me.

7. Going to Ikea yesterday to pick up storage bins, made me really jones to buy our home already. I wonder what it will be like, how we will function and how our lives with pan out. I've been waiting to start this forever for quite some time now :)

8. It makes me upset when I text Ryan & he doesn't text me back. How silly is that?

9. This whole motherhood thing, I wonder if I'm doing a good job.

10. I finished all 5 box-set DVDs of One Tree Hill & now I miss the marathon sessions.

11. I've been feeling lonely lately.

12. Aiden has been waking up a few times in the middle of the night. Ryan and I are the worst to each other during this time. Last night, at 3 am, while soothing A - I tried just to be calm & take it all in ... we have a baby, together. This is wonderful.

13. This makes me happy.

guilty

I never really had a goal in which I wanted to breastfeed until (honestly, I didn't even know I wanted to breastfeed at all). It was definitely the one thing that I completely overlooked when researching and learning throughout my pregnancy. Even though it was touch (so tough) at first, especially during the first few weeks (sore nipples, bleeding, improper latches), it has been the best feeling being able to nurse the best nutrients into A. I am so glad that I had the strength to stick through it & so happy that Ryan has supported me throughout the entire process. But now that I have (exclusively for 7 months), I'm feeling guilty that I'm having thoughts of weaning. I've been really thinking about giving Aiden (well, teaching him) to feed from a bottle. We tried a few times before, but were never really that keen on it or persistant enough, so of course, success was minimal. Aiden and I have established my milk supply (actually I have a great abundance, why let a good thing go to waste?). I'm not even quite sure of my reasons for intiating this self-led weaning process - I'm feeling selfish (mainly because I know that breastmilk is the best thing for my baby). I also feel like I'm going to miss that true sense of connection with A (I'll never forget the first time they placed him on my chest when he was born ... instant gratification). The bond that you are able to create through nursing is so satisfying and indescribable. I am torn.

the first of many

woman
loves
man

it may not be news,

but ours is the best story ever.

It was kind of crappy that Ryan wasn't able to have our actual anniversary date off, but we did however make a BIG compromise - he had the previous week off. What a treat for Aiden and I. We celebrated on Sunday by getting all dressed up and chowing down on some good food (our most favourite thing to do). This year Ryan made took me to Niagara Street Cafe (we've been there once before with Aiden in the summertime, but for brunch, I keep telling people that I would have licked my plate if no one was around!) Ryan has been working brunch for the past few Sundays helping out his old coworker Trista's husband, Nick. Five courses later, with the first one being my favourite (a little brunch plate that Nick whipped up), Ryan & I were pleasantly surprised to find out that our billed was being taken care of. What in the world! I have never experienced such gratitude! Such kindness. What would have been a $200+ bill, became nothing but a great night with my most favourite. To many many more ...
happy 1st anniversary ryan oliver.

well, really, 7 years in the making :)

there's gotta be more to life out there.

now, how do I find it?

what's missing?

Can you ever really feel so young, but too old at the same time?

Because I feel like that's the story of my life. When I was younger, I always assumed so much more responsibility & everyone around me always told me that I was so much more mature than the other my age. I never really thought about it too much, but nowadays, I feel like I grew up too fast. But I like to think that I lived that part of my life (the teenage, pre-twenty years) without any regrets. I made decisions for me, but of course, with careful consideration of those who were the closest to me. I lived for the moments.

But for some reason, I'm feeling empty. Not in the sense that something's missing, but more for the satisfaction of not being able to attain it all. Do you think this will ever go away?

hello 2009

I don't think That I've ever made a resolution. Okay, maybe I haven't made one that I've actually stuck with. But this year, I have a few things that I want to keep in mind. Simple things.

Blog. Document. Write.
I used to be able to just write. Day in and day out. About anything - thoughts, feelings, aspirations. I lost that somewhere, but I'm going to try my best to get it all back. Because I want to leave my mark in this world - & I love love looking back and seeing where I've been and what has brought me here. I live for words.

Be happy.
I have more than I need. In addition, I have a baby boy that looks at me with delight. Life gets messy, but what matters is the way that we choose to deal with this situations.

Watch my carbon impact.
Little things, baby steps. Use the compost more (review what's allowed to go in & what's not), stop using shopping bags & start using reuseable ones. RECYCLE and DONATE (especially old clothing). On a side note: I don't ever want to be a pack rat.

Live in the moment.
Life is too short.

Love me.
Especially since giving birth to A, I haven't been feeling 'myself'. & yes, most of it has to do with my physical appearance. I am my worst critic. But there's so much that I have going for me and I have two wonderful boys that love me, for me. So let's start getting back on track :)

Take it easy.
As a bit of a control freak, I have to start learning to let others take charge or even, just help. I need to fully trust others to get the job done, even if it's not the way I would really like for it to be done. I need to watch my tone (especially with Ryan) and watch my words.

Discover new things.
I always want to feel young at heart.